


my melancholy blues

by celeanerd02



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Character Study, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt, Hurt Javier Peña, Panic Attacks, Sad, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29376723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeanerd02/pseuds/celeanerd02
Summary: A raid has gone terribly wrong.Javier isn't taking it well.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys!  
> I hope everyone's doing okay♡
> 
> So this is a result of a night with overthinking, too many feelings and thoughts at once and a massive headache.  
> Though i'm doing a bit better now, not really very good, but i'm getting there:-)
> 
> This little thing can be considered a character study of Javi, all the other characters in the tags are only mentioned.  
> It's basically a bit of a projection of myself onto Javi mixed with the shows events.  
> (i cannot be the only one who thinks that Javi definitely wasn't okay at all after some of the shit all of them had to endure,right?)
> 
> !Also a warning! :  
> this contains talk about serious topics, self-hatred, negative thoughts, descriptions of a panic attack and a mention of throwing up. 
> 
> If any of this makes you uncomfortable in any way then this is possibly not the right fic for you!
> 
> Last but not least: everything that's written like | this | are either Javi's thoughts or that little negative voice in his head that I think everyone has to some extent.

He fucked up. He really did. 

This whole day had been a pure mess.  
They had gotten tips from one of his acquaintances for an area where a drug deposit was supposed to be located.  
The whole group had been so excited, having finally gotten at least something after so many weeks. 

Well,that had backfired off into the next country. 

When they arrived at the scene they were met with dozens of Escobar's Sicarios, followed by even more shooters positioned on the rooftops. 

A trap. 

They had lost men,more than he liked to admit,and it was all his fault.  
Javier sighed,blindly grabbing for his cigarette pack while he steered his car to his apartment. 

His hands were shaking. 

The ambassador had suspended him until further notice, Carrillo had looked like he wanted to shoot him and Steve hadn't even spared him a glance when he walked by, only pushing him aside. 

| He deserved it. |

| Would anybody even care if he didn't come back? |

Luckily he arrived at his apartment without causing an accident, stumbling out of the car and up the stairs. 

He barely reached the door before tears started streaming down his face, slamming it shut and sliding down against the wall next to it until he reached the floor. 

Now,after the adrenaline had worn off, he could feel every single bone and muscle of his body.  
Every part of him, injured or not, was aching.  
Aching from failure,disappointment, bitterness and hatred for himself.  
He couldn't breathe properly and his hands were numb. 

| How did he fuck this up so badly? |

With a jolt fuelled by pure anger and sadness he crashed his fist into the wall behind him, not even feeling something as the skin on his knuckles began to bleed.

All the families who would receive messages possibly tomorrow that their husbands are dead.  
Their fathers,  
sons,  
brothers,  
friends... 

The wives collapsing at the news,the children not knowing why their fathers are not coming back. 

| Fuck fuck fuck |

Javier pressed a hand to his mouth, muffling his sobs while his body trembled in anguish. 

It was all on him. 

Every drop of blood,every bone he heard breaking, every body that he saw falling to the ground. 

Bile rose in the back of his throat and he scrambled up to the bathroom, falling on his knees in front of the white porcelain bowl and throwing up so violently his legs threatened to give out. 

| What an asshole you are, falling apart while other lost their family. You have nobody. |

After a while he was reduced to painful dry heaving,which didn't help his cramping stomach. 

| You're nothing but a loser. |

This was definitely worse than any hangover he ever had. 

The images of cold,liveless eyes didn't, couldn't, wouldn't disappear from his mind, nor would the sound of high-pitched cries from nearby children who unfortunately had to watch the scene. 

Javier slumped against the wall when his body stopped rebelling against itself, gripping his jeans-clad leg tightly in an attempt to feel something. The room spun lazily around him and his thoughts wouldn't stop racing. 

| Why was he still here and the others not? |

He curled up as small as he could,now on the floor, and prayed for everything to just stop. 

| Prayed? |

Javier let out a wounded laugh, which sounded more like a whimper mixed with a snort. He didn't even believe in God and now look at him, praying on the damn bathroom floor while crying,like a fucking pussy. 

| Look at yourself, you wimp. |

'Get yourself together Peña' 

The words of the ambassador swam back into his thoughts as he stood up shakily,bracing himself on the sink. 

Taking a look in the mirror,he sighed.  
Looking like death himself seemed to be his daily practice now. His face was white as a sheet, to which his reddened eyes almost looked like blinking sirens. His hair was matted and dirty from days of barely having time to tend to himself.  
He had lost weight, more than just a few grams. The shirt he was wearing usually fitted perfectly to his body, though now it hung loose around his frame. 

'You look like shit' Steve would've said now, if he hadn't been in the mood to... Javier didn't really know. Beat him up in the streets and leave him there? That probably described his look the best. 

Slowly he came back out of his cloud of dark thoughts and splashed water onto his face. The feeling of thousand bricks weighing on his chest didn't stop. 

He made his way to his bedroom, groaning lowly as the pain in his leg flared up. 

He should get that checked sometime. 

Right now he just needed to sleep.  
Forget everything for a while and prepare for the miserable feeling when he woke up the next day. 

| Please,make it stop. |

His body hid the mattress,and he was out in seconds.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the comfort is finally here!♡
> 
> hope you enjoy reading!

"Javi?"  
Said man jolted from his bed,frantically looking around the room while his heart raced in his chest. He blinked slowly and rubbed his eyes with a groan,only then realising that the sound had come from outside.  
"Javi are you there? I'm coming in!" Steve sounded annoyed, just like he did yesterday, and Javier bolted to the door before he could kick it down. 

Steve's face dropped the moment he saw his partner standing in the doorframe. 

Javier looked like shit; his hair was all over the place, looking matted and greasy. He had deep bags under his eyes, which were staring at him but not seeming like he recognized him. His clothes were rumbled,the same ones he had worn at the raid and the office the last days.  
Javier was leaning onto the door and Steve noticed with worry that he was shaking, looking paler than the peeling paint on the wall next to him. 

"Javi" Steve's voice had dropped down to a whisper,and he watched as Javier's face morphed into a self-deprecating grin. 

"Dropped by to tell me how I fucked up once more? Believe me Murphy, I fucking know that already" He spat, turning around to limp back into the depths of his apartment and slumping onto the couch, Steve following him. The body of his partner radiated exhaustion in every move, every action, and even his voice was slurring, which Steve didn't know if it was from alcohol or the lack of sleep. 

"Javi I didn't come here to nag you more than everyone already did. I came because i'm worried about you. You didn't appear at work today" Steve knew in the moment the last sentence left his mouth that it was a mistake.  
Javier's eyes turned even darker than they already were and he stood with such a force it made the hairs on Steve's neck stand up. 

"Really?" Javier laughed almost hysterically, coming so close Steve could feel his breath, "Murphy, go annoy someone else and stop pretending that you care if i'm there. Nobody does, so go fuck yourself." 

Steve was silent for a moment, stunned by his partner's words. Where the hell did that come from? Of course they cared if one their best men, their friend, just vanished without a word and didn't come back. They all cared about him deeply. 

Carillo had come to him an hour after Javier's departure, going over the events of the raid and asking him if he saw Javier, if he had talked to him,heard anything from him. Mierda, yes he had fucked up the whole operation with the false information but he didn't usually disappear that quickly and yes, he was worried, shut up Murphy or else you'll get the slap of your lifetime. 

Steve had grinned over his worry when Carrillo had left, since he had met him the Colonel had never shown much emotion, but Steve knew that he too was very fond of Javier. 

Sometime later he had found Trujillo on the telephone, talking heated Spanish with one of his mates. Steve still didn't understand Spanish that well but smiled when he grasped some words; "Javier", "gone" and a quiet "i'm worried". 

Of course Steve had been angry when they arrived back at the station with less than half of their men, especially at Javier, but it disappeared quickly when they had all settled down a bit and cleaned up. Everyone made mistakes, big or small, it couldn't be hindered. They were humans and not some type of machines, and it was okay. He had made a lot of mistakes himself and most of the time Javier had gotten him out of it. 

They did care about him. Not only the three of them but all of their group, the ambassador as well, even if they didn't show it that much, which was why Steve was even more confused about the words from his partner. 

"Javi what... why would you say that?" Steve slowly stepped closer and grimaced mentally when his partner flinched a bit. 

How did it come to this? 

"Javier." He whispered softly. "Talk to me" 

"I fucked up" Javier's voice was brittle, threatening either a rise in volume or a complete breakdown. "This whole thing, the destroyed buildings, the blown up cars, the revolt of the local people and the deaths, all those dead men, it's all on me. It's all because of this fucking raid THAT I FUCKED UP!" Javier was screaming by the end, his body trembling with something Steve couldn't place. 

Suddenly Javier turned around and hit the wall close to them hard with his closed fist.  
It left a hollow dent and Steve heard bones in his hand crack. Quickly he lurched forward and grabbed him by the jacket,embracing his partner tightly. 

"Javi,shhh calm down, it's me,it's only me" Steve shushed but the man continued to struggle against the hold, groaning lowly. 

"Javier c'mon listen to me, it's okay" 

His partner continued to struggle for a moment, his pent up energy having disappeared completely, and sagged against Steve with a shaky sigh. 

"That's good, that's good, nice and slow. It's okay, you're okay" Steve hummed, lowering both of them down on the couch, a hand coming up to rest on the back of Javier's neck. 

That was the final straw for Javier. 

Hitched and sped up breaths,a choked whimper and then silence. 

His shoulders quivered while Steve could feel the muscles of his back tense,and then he broke down completely. 

He sobbed almost silently as he leaned against Steve,burying his face in his partner's shoulder.  
Steve didn't say anything,only holding him as tight as he could while he passed a hand through his hair. 

After a while his cries had died down and his breathing had returned almost to normal.  
He laid almost calmly in Steve's arms, and Steve was relieved to feel that he was barely shaking anymore,only occasional tremors running through his body. 

"Javi?" Steve muttered into the buzzing silence. 

Following his words Javier broke the embrace,  
sitting back against the couch and not meeting Steve's eyes. 

"Javi look at me" 

It took a while until said man did what he was told to, and the view was almost painful. 

Glazed over,reddened eyes watched him with pure fright and so much insecurity that Steve felt his throat almost close up. 

"It's okay." Steve smiled gently at him, resting a hand on his shoulder. 

Soon a tentative smile met his own, without any words,but hey, Steve would take it. 

"So,how about we watch some shitty TV show with a few beers and just ignore everyone for the rest of the day?" 

This managed to make Javier giggle,and soon the two of them were a laughing mess on the couch. 

"Yeah,I'd like that" Javier answered when they managed to cath their breaths, voice raspy and more quiet that usual,but paired with a genuine smile. 

That was enough for now. 

They sat in comfortable silence, legs and shoulders touching, every now and then adding something to the show they were watching or laughing together. 

Tomorrow would be a better day. 

Or not. 

They didn't know. 

Though what they did know was that they would handle this together. 

Good and bad stuff. 

So they sat on the couch side by side, and just breathed.

**Author's Note:**

> tips,constructive criticism and basically anything you wanna say is always appreciated!♡


End file.
